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…And Then What Happened?
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Previously, we examined the remarkable disparity between the intellectual capacities of human beings and primates. While our closest relatives, the chimpanzee, possess traits and characteristics that are particularly impressive within the animal kingdom, such as responding to social cues, nonverbal communication skills, and the use of various tools, the differences in intellectual capacity between humans and primates are, to say the least, profound.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for decades. My husband, who has always been very overweight, has made many promises to remedy it with no follow- through. He continues to overeat and avoid physical activity, while constantly complaining about aches, pains and fatigue. Frequently, when we go out, he wolfs down his food, and I am left to fend off waiters who want to clear our plates because he’s finished. When we were at dinner with friends, my husband was first to the buffet, ate twice as much food as everyone else and finished long before anyone else was done. A few friends commented on it. He has high blood pressure and cholesterol that can no longer be managed with medication. Our sex life is terrible due to his weight and inability to perform. Medication no longer helps with this either. His cardiologist strongly recommended changes that there’s little chance he will implement. In fact, my husband’s first meal after that appointment was a steak hoagie and fries. He has been in therapy for many years for a myriad of issues, and we have also started couples therapy. I love my husband, but I am very sad that he is willing to trade what should be quality years as we age for self-induced disability. Please tell me how to cope with this. Your advice is welcome. DISAPPOINTED IN FLORIDA DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. You have a right to your feelings. However, until your husband accepts that he has a food addiction that is out of control and is willing to take the necessary steps to modify his gorging and eating habits, nothing you can do will prevent what’s surely going to happen. Keep reminding him that you love him and want him to be healthy for the reasons you stated. But you also need to take care of yourself by preparing for the outcome if he decides not to make the necessary lifestyle choices to regain his health. ** DEAR ABBY: There is something I have been dealing with from the time I was a little kid. I seem to be a magnet for blame for things I haven’t done. I have been accused of stealing, lying, doing this or that and anything else you can imagine. I am usually caught off guard by the accuser and dumbfounded. If I do something wrong, I am the first to admit it and apologize. However, when the accuser finds they were wrong, they rarely, if ever, apologize. I find that as I’m getting older, I am becoming increasingly angry and resentful toward these people. How should I deal with this? -- DUMBFOUNDED IN COLORADO DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: There is a twostep solution to your problem. When you are wrongly accused, tell the accuser how angry and resentful this has made you feel all these years. Then, if it happens again, feel free to avoid that person until an apology is offered.
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DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 30s. I live halfway across the country from my parents and don’t have the best relationship with them. I also have a brother four years younger from whom I have been estranged for 20 years. He lives in the same city as my parents. My problem is, if I visit, my parents (especially my mom) will tell my brother and invite him over. I don’t like my brother and don’t want to see him. I will not reconcile with him because he did some horrible things to me 20 years ago for which I can never forgive him. With my parents, things don’t get through to them unless I take drastic measures. How can I convey my desire not to see him? My plan would be to tell them they must agree not to invite him to their house while I’m there -- and if they can’t respect my wishes, I simply won’t see them. I’m not worried about being without lodging because I have friends I can stay with there. In fact, I have made several trips to that city without visiting my parents. What is your perspective on how I can “lay down the law” and enforce it? -- INDEPENDENT IN MASSACHUSETTS DEAR INDEPENDENT: Have an honest conversation with your parents. Explain what happened between you and your brother. Emphasize that you do not wish to see him again -- ever. Tell them you would like to visit them, but you do not want your brother to be informed or invited over while you are there. If they cannot agree, explain (without hostility) that you will skip the visit. This is not “laying down the law”; it is creating a boundary.
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DEAR ABBY: When my daughter entered her teens, she and her friends began borrowing each other’s clothes. I didn’t approve, and I warned my daughter that if anything became lost or damaged, I would not be responsible, nor would I replace the item. She said she understood and continued the practice. As I predicted, some of her clothes went missing or were damaged. One particular incident occurred when she borrowed a tennis sweater from a casual friend whose parents I was not friendly with. When I unloaded the hamper to do the laundry, unbeknownst to me, the sweater fell in with other clothes that did not require special care. I first noticed the sweater when I retrieved the clothes from the dryer. It had shrunk. When I pointed this out to my daughter, she just shrugged and gave it back to her friend. Soon after, I received an angry phone call from the girl’s mother demanding that I reimburse her $75 for the sweater, which her daughter had loaned to mine without her permission. I told her about my conversation with my daughter involving the practice of borrowing clothes and said since her daughter loaned the sweater WITHOUT her permission, her daughter should assume responsibility. She became furious with me, going on and on about how much she loved the sweater, but I stood firm. Was I wrong? TEACHABLE MOMENT IN NEW JERSEY DEAR TEACHABLE MOMENT: You should not have been responsible for reimbursing the mother for the sweater. Before loaning it to your daughter, the girl should have asked her mother’s permission, just as your daughter should do before she lends one of her garments to anyone. If anyone owes that mother for the sweater, it is your daughter, who broke the rule, which resulted in the item being damaged. ** DEAR ABBY: For four years I tried to get my stubborn husband to get his hearing checked, once I realized it was decreasing. When he finally did, he had lost a significant amount. Now he seems to be declining mentally, and he refuses to get a checkup. I have told him that if he does not get himself checked out now to hopefully stop or slow down the process, I will not be there for him when he is in serious decline. Do you have any advice? -- ULTIMATUM IN CALIFORNIA DEAR ULTIMATUM: This is a tough one. When dementia starts happening, the person doesn’t always recognize what’s occurring. I am hoping that your husband has a doctor he sees annually for routine checkups. If he does, contact the doctor and explain your concerns so he or she can start “casually” evaluating your spouse during the next visit. If he doesn’t have a doctor, reach out to the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org) for specific advice on how to proceed. Be patient and persistent. The changes you are perceiving are not your husband’s fault. The reason he is resistant to getting help may be fear.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our early 60s. For the last five years, we have been having some great fun. We dress up, roleplay and invite friends to join us from time to time. It has been wonderful and has kept us young. Then one of our adult children had to move back home. He never goes out. His girlfriend comes and stays the weekends. Needless to say, he has put a damper on our fun. We are down in the dumps come Monday when we go back to work, so we play when we can. We have gone to hotels, but it’s not the same freedom. My husband says our son is an adult and we should do what we would do if he wasn’t home. He can either accept it or move out. Abby, what are your thoughts? -- EMPTY NESTERS NO MORE DEAR EMPTY NESTERS NO MORE: It is your home, and you should be free to do whatever you wish in it. You definitely need to have a conversation with your son and make plain that there are times when you and your husband need “privacy.” If he asks why, tell him the truth. Then suggest that on some weekends, he and his girlfriend stay at her place. ** DEAR ABBY: I was married for 14 years to my son’s father. During that time, he cheated on me and was talking to a lot of other women. When I told my family we were divorcing, one of my siblings got angry with me, telling me I needed to do everything I could to make it work. People I thought would be there for me no longer were. People turned their backs on me, including fellow church members. Some friends stood by me, though. It hurt me so much. What was once a close-knit family was now torn apart. I met a man who lives an hour and a half away from me. He treats me and my son wonderfully. I chose to move to the same town as my boyfriend, but my son didn’t want to leave his sports and friends. He told me it was OK and that he would just stay with his dad. I was torn. But then my siblings started running their mouths about me leaving my son, so I changed my mind and stayed. My boyfriend was OK with it because he loves my son and wants what is best for him. My ex and my siblings constantly hang out and do things. My ex is always invited to gatherings and events, while I never even get a text message asking how things are going for me. It hurts, and I have sunk into a deep depression because of this. Is there something I have done wrong? -- DEPRESSED DIVORCEE IN KENTUCKY DEAR DIVORCEE: You did NOTHING wrong. It’s clear to me that your family has always been more attached to your unfaithful ex than to you. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and depressed. That said, however, I think you should move to resume your relationship with your boyfriend. In a new town, there will be fewer reminders of this sad chapter of your life, and you can make new friends and build a new life. If your depression lingers, counseling will put you on the right track.
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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, “Roy,” is a quiet person. His ex-girlfriend put him and his family through something so terrible that he shuts down and pulls away from me a lot. He won’t introduce me to his mother, although I have met his son. We’ve been together almost 18 months. Five months ago, Roy stopped making love with me. I accused him of cheating, but he denied it. He’s just 44 and claims he has lost interest in sex and he doesn’t know why. He claims he’s still in love with me, but at times, I feel unloved by him. He has never treated me badly, but he barely kisses me now and he used to be affectionate. He says he was affectionate before his ex nearly destroyed him and his family’s lives. Roy loves it when I call myself his wife and him my husband, but he acts like he is scared of love. What do you think? LOVES MY TEDDY BEAR MAN DEAR LOVES: I think your boyfriend (not husband) is sorely in need of counseling to resolve his trauma. Your relationship will not progress unless he finds the courage to discuss what happened with his ex with someone who can guide him on a path forward.
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